IOU

That didn't take long at all.  The US government officially exceeded the deficit set by law today so our boy Timmy the Toddler promptly announced he's gonna grab all the monies set aside to fund the pensions of our retired Federal Employees.  Now it's common knowledge we must continue to give the bankers and wheeler dealers tons of money every day so they can continue to pay their country club dues and bills for the overpriced gas that goes into their yachts.  It's also common knowledge retired folks can thrive by eating grass for breakfast and boiled leaves for dinner.  Obviously, defunding the pensions of the poor worker bee is the right thing to do.

Now hold on to your hats, folks, 'cause ol' Grampa Forrest has a better plan.  You see, we are a mighty and powerful nation.  We can continue to buy big boats on which the high placed and famous can party AND still feed the less fortunate.  Nothing is impossible in this great land of Oz, but first, a little background. 

A couple of years ago, a bunch of crooks managed to steal every last dime from every bank in America.  They took all the money and put it in their own bottomless pockets.  I've lost track of the money from there, but for sure it's all gone and all the banks are completely bankrupt.  Well, our Feckless Grovelers in DC couldn't allow them all to go broke at the same time,  especially in an election year, so they needed a plan to cover up the misdeeds.  The plan, of course, was devised by none other than the very smart crooks who stole the money, and implemented by their government lackeys.  First the US government fired up the computers and created enough phony money to purchase a ton of the bad loans held on the books of these broke banks.

Ben and Timmy basically PRINTED money out of thin air, gave it to the banks, and received worthless pieces of paper in the form of delinquent and defaulted mortgages in return.  You and I, boys and girls, as the taxpayers of this nation, own all this crap.  Yep, we're on the hook for it.  Even this was not enough to return the banks to solvency.  We've done a lot more to save the crooks who started the mess.

We taxpayers were called upon to loan the banks even more of our government's money at a quarter percent interest rate and then we PAID THEM a little over three percent to loan it back to us!  Not a bad way to make a living.  Next, our wonder children in the halls of congress changed a law requiring the banks to value properties upon which they held the mortgages at market value so they could value them at what was owed.  The results of this change allowed a house that sold for $400,000 three years ago, and which would sell for less than half that today, to still be valued at the old price on the bank's books.  Now, the banks could pretend all was well, and continue doing business as usual.  Sort of like closing your eyes when the tsunami is rushing at you.  It's OK to pretend all is well until you drown. 

Now, here's the plan.  If we can trade cold hard cash to bankers for worthless pieces of paper, why can't we do the same for everyone else?  I'll be happy to sign an IOU to the US government for, oh, let's say, five million dollars.  No, I'm in a generous mood.  Let's make it for ten million bucks.  I'll sign a personal note, so my heirs are not affected,  for the ten mil, pay 20%  interest so the government can claim it's making money, and agree to pay it all back in monthly installments starting in the year 2318.

That IOU should be among some of the most worthless pieces of paper on the planet.  For sure one or another government agency will be interested in depositing the ten mil in my bank account and taking the IOU.  Now, after the plan's been shown to work, let's include everyone in the country - let 'em all have ten million.  Except the illegal aliens - we'll only give them five mil or so.  All we have to do is print more money.  Problem solved.

In fact, we could also abolish the Federal Income Tax by using a little hidden feature of my plan.  Any tax owed by anyone at all can be covered just by writing an IOU, and we can print even more money to cover these new ones too. 

My plan makes just as much sense as stealing from the pension plans of Federal workers.  This nation is being run by crooks and clowns.  All that's missing are the red rubber balls on their noses.