She left the planet two weeks ago on the 4th day of September, 2012. She did not have the strenght to last the entire summer of her last year. My pain is only eased by the forth bottle of Jack Daniels in the six pack I bought during my last trip to California. Funny that I should think of the money I saved buying a case of JD while in California at a time like this.
But that is what Caroyn and I did during our time together. We saved for our future. People, if there is anything I can offer to you in the form of advice, it is to spend your dollars now. Spend them now while you can enjoy the company of your mate. Do not take the advise of all the sages who insist that you save them by putting them 401K's and the hands of thieves.
Spend your dollars while you can; enjoy the company of your most beloved. I sit here alone with a pile of dollars. And, I sit here alone, with no one with whom I wish to share them. How much better it could have been to watch Carolyn twirl in Ireland just one more time. How much better to have watched as she danced to the Irish piper of her heritage. I would rather have eaten from dumpsters in my old age than to have wound up in my present state. Awash in dollar bills and knowing that Carolyn would have loved to have seen County Cork just one more time.
I live in grief.
Oh, Forrest. I am so very, very sorry.
ReplyDeleteYou did the best that you knew how. Who can do better? Don't kick yourself too hard; I suspect that she wouldn't want you to.
But your advice is good. Rhumba often talks about some place she would like to visit; and then she almost always rules it out herself, even though I tell her we can afford it. Perhaps I need to insist harder, get past the "no" to the "yes" behind.
God bless you. God keep Carolyn. When you're ready, come out on the road and start seeing people, including me.
Boomer
Sounds like Boomer is a soul-mate . . . he said things far better than I could have. All I can add is that we love you Forrest. Come visit us again soon. I'll hopefully do better on a real chess board next time.
ReplyDeleteEd and Susan
"Some of the greatest things in life are unseen; that's why you close your eyes when you kiss, cry, or dream."
ReplyDeleteI pray our Heavenly Father will lessen your grief....hopefully a little every single day.
Keep dreaming my frend....you have some sky and water to travel still.
God Bless you Forrest.
Ba
Hey Big Brother - Please know our thoughts and prayers are with you. Come visit when you feel you can - there are alot of people who love you and would love to help you through this awful time. You will always have your memories of Carolyn to keep you going. Get out and see your family and friends to help pass the time which will help to heal the pain. We love you and pray you find some peace. Love you - Pam
ReplyDeleteThank all of you for your commecnts and good wishes. I'll muddle through this just like everyone else who has had to face this sorrow. It's been four weeks now and I still am able to get out of bed each day.
ReplyDeleteBut the morning dawn has lost its glow. And in the evening a sunset no longer sends fire across the sky that lights up the clouds in the last seconds of the day. Sunset just brings a dark night.
My pain is one that many have suffered. I'm not special at all. In the end I'm just one man in a sea of mankind. We all have pain in our lives. And as the Kingston Trio said so many years ago, for the most part "All my sorrows, soon forgotten."
I've tried to find the song for you to hear. It describes a world where the suffering any individual endures is quickly over and matters very little. The closest I could find is this video. But, you'll have to set it to 3:14 to hear the way they said it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30mvviOCUVM
My pain is great but I try my best to convince myself that what I feel matters very little. I try but it's a hard sell.
My wife died on Mother's Day 1993. The grief was like a physical punch in the stomach for months on end. I cried endlessly either openly or internally. I functioned at work as that was my life jacket that kept my emotional head above water. That and the responsibility of taking care of my autistic son. I had to decide what to do with the rest of my life. Go on or end it. I chose life and that was a good decision. I went looking for a companion as I could not stand living in a lonely house. I found one. She is not a clone of my late wife in no way shape or form. I was lucky, very lucky. My tribute to my late wife is to work very hard making my wife's life as good as possible. My efforts are returned with dividends.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck Grieve but still live.