A year ago today I took Carolyn's temperature and found it was elevated. No biggie, both of us expected it to happen one day. PSP does not kill, it maims, and one of the areas it affects is the throat and it's muscles; it becomes hard to swallow. Often this difficulty results in pneumonia and is easily combated. We expected the infection. We did not expect the difficulty in swallowing to be fatal. It was.
No matter how long death announces his presence in a life and no matter how long he sits patiently on the living room couch waiting for a loved one's soul, the death comes unexpectedly and too quickly. No amount of reasoning or rationalizing will prepare you for that last breath.
The chest just stops rising and the world changes.
It's been a year since I told Carolyn it was time for me to dress her so we could go to the hospital. A week later she was gone.
I've done well this last year, better than one would have thought. I thank Carolyn for this; she told me all was well when I scattered her ashes in the same place her mothers had been strewn several months before.
You see, Carolyn loved dogs. She chose to show me all was well and that she and her mom had been reunited not more than two minutes after her ashes had been spread on the waters of the Canadian Atlantic coast where she and her mother had spent many summer vacations while her father worked in the city of Montreal. He joined them on weekends, but the shoreline belonged to them for most of the time.
Only the people in our very small party were in view for as far as we could see during the ceremony celebrating her life and there were no animals at all. Yet, within minutes of that celebration, before we could regain the grasses beyond the sand, two dogs appeared. They were jumping on each others back as they ran, seemingly happy to be with each other as only young dogs can show that feeling. You've seen it - playfully caressing each other while flying low to the ground.
The two dogs ran straight to me and one, the younger white one, tried to climb my body to be nearer my face. I lowered to a knee and the younger put her head on my thigh for several seconds. The older of the two then circled while the younger and I exchanged caresses. After a short while, they left and disappeared just as they had arrived, dancing and playing as they departed.
I'm sure it was what a minister I later consulted called a "God moment" and that Carolyn and her mom had greeted me and told me they were together again and all was well.
I've waited awhile to post this and during that time I've learned to dance with new partners. I've learned to dine and travel in the company of other souls. I have not yet learned to share my life. But I will.
If ever there were a person who could talk God into letting her tell her mate she was alright, Carolyn would be the person to do so. She could charm God himself and would risk damnation to ease my suffering. I thank her so much for letting me know, and I thank God for letting her show me.
Tuesday next will have been 52 weeks, and the 4th of Sept will be a year since her passing. I'm going to move on. But, Carolyn, when it comes time for me to rest, be sure my ashes will join yours. I'll keep that promise as I kept all the others.
Bless you, Forrest. Glad you're doing well. Boomer
ReplyDeleteThank you, old friend. I see you're writing again. That's a good thing; I've missed your prospective. Keep well, I'll see you at your place!
DeleteThanks for coming back. You have a story to tell.
ReplyDeleteI just checked my link to your blog on the random chance you were posting again. Good News!
Find someone to share the rest of your life with. Shower that person with all the affection that Carolyn deserved. That is what I did when I lost my wife 20 years ago.
Anon, how are you, my friend? I know you have also traveled this road and it's good to have a guide to show me the trail. Thank you for this advice.
ReplyDeleteI'm well, for now, and am testing my aching, aged body the end of this month to see if it is able to continue my dream of sailing around the world. I'll be in St Vincent and the Grenadines for a couple of weeks, crewing a 42 foot boat. If I survive the experience and if I can locate a decent boat I may turn my dream into reality!
I've heard God protects drunks and crazy people so maybe I'll have His blessing. There are times I qualify for His help on both counts.
Best to you and yours; I hope to continue the blog sometime after I've healed a bit more.
In my loss it took 2 years for the physical pain, it was physical as well as emotional, to relent to the point where I was not being punched in the stomach every few minutes. Even at 20 years a memory can intrude and I am crying again.
DeleteI did find someone to shower my affections on and be showered back. I started looking as soon as possible as that helped create a distraction. I still had work and a autistic son to care for so those tasks helped prevent a breakdown.
The boat trip sounds like good therapy. I have been a small boat sailor since 1967. Racing and cruising. Met many wonderful people who also helped me. Our monthly races were like daylong therapy sessions where the focus required to race well left no time for any other thoughts.
Post something about the trip. At least I will show up on occasion to read of your experiences.
I know well the aged and aching body. My wife just led me around the neighborhood on our bikes and then for a ride on our horses. We do line dancing and ballroom dancing as well as bikes and horses. I think all the exercise holds off some of the effects of old age and unoriginal sin.
Keep us in touch.
Forrest I just now found this. Why didn't you tell me you wrote it. It was so beautiful, so heart-felt, and wonderfully written. Why don't you write again. About your new life, your adventures. Some of us love the way you write; your unique voice. I've ready everyone of your posts and I miss you! Carolyn would be so happy to see you at the helm again. I didn't understand the dogs when you just posted the picture, but now I do. Of course they were a sign to you. Beneath all your bravado is such a caring man who keeps himself private. Bandon is only 25 miles from Coos Bay. Why didn't you go for an ice cream or some fudge? Coos Bay is ugly; Bandon is glorious. In my opinion, of course. I cannot wait to go there in October. I even get to park my new "used" car in the garage. I don't like leaving my cars outside. Did I tell you my car blew the head gasket and I need a newer one? They are looking for a 2010 or 2011 Cadillac CTSs; a hot car for a woman of my vintage ... who feels like she's 40 when driving it. I just got to test drive a demo one that didn't have the features I thought were standard, but are mandatory. You know? Anyway, this sucker went from 0 to 60 in less than half a block. Jesus! And the gearshift. Leather. So I didn't have a car for almost 2 weeks and now I have a rental; a Chevy Impala; not bad. But I don't "do" Chevys. That's enough. I'm so glad you wrote this and wish I would have known. I stopped checking; I mean you write once a year. Take care. I'm so glad you are doing so well; half a deck or not. That's all somebody as smart as you needs anyway. Dorothy
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