HAL in the Hallway

Used to be that when a thermostat started acting up ya just replaced the stinkin' thing.  If it stopped making the A/C come on when it got hot in the house ya knew it was busted.

Well, not any more.  Now you first have to figure out if the batteries are dead, if you fat-fingered one of the controls because you were sweating so profusely your vision was blurred while you were trying to make things cool enough that you quit sweating, or if the dang thing really is, in fact, broken.

Things started heating up in this joint today and for once it wasn't because my wife didn't like the way I make French toast.   It was because the "Green" thermostat, the kind that allows one to pre-program several different settings at different times of the day and during differing days of the week in an effort to shave MAYBE 43 cents off the electric bill, started to behave like HAL in Arthur C. Clarke's 2001. 

For absolutely no reason I can think of, it started to reset the temperature all by itself.  We'd get hot enough that I'd go over to check it and sure enough, HAL wanted his house to be 82 degrees.  I'd reset it to our comfortable 73 degrees and walk away.  The A/C would come on and we would turn into happy campers.  For about thirty minutes.

Then rinse and repeat - about eight times before I got mad enough to try to figure out what was wrong.  "I'll fix you," I said, "New batteries! How ya like them apples?" 

HAL ate the new apples, cores and all.  He again reset his house to 82 degrees.

"Oh yeah?  Well, HAL, I just found the instructions that are written on the inside of the cover that protects the batteries - I'm taking charge here.  I'm gonna reprogram your innards to OUR liking."  That's what I told him.  HAL scoffed.

 I'm sure the noise I heard was coming from deep inside the thermostat - HAL scoffing at me..  No, wait.  That was Muffy scratching at the door, trying to escape the heat.

Just like a rat - Leaving us to our own devices while trying to control this $49.95 errant piece of modern wires and plastic.  He wanted to watch from the shade of a convenient tree.  I relented and let him out.  Just because we had to suffer didn't mean he did too. 

Besides, his paws on the sliding door reminded me of Johnnie Fregeau running his fingernails down the chalkboard just to upset our fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Brick.  That really was her name.

I soon found the reason HAL was not afraid I'd remake him so he'd conform to my desires.  The instructions were written in the smallest font , think  "tiny", you've ever seen.  No way could a pair of 66 year old eyes make out any of the words, save those two at top top which proudly stated "Programing Instructions"  Not only are the Chinese, who made this piece of crap, small in stature, they have the ability to read really, really small printing. 

No one else in the world  (except my buddy, Boomer) can do that, and it's one of the reasons they're gonna rule the world.  They know what the fine print says.  It's how the lawyers took  this country away from average folks like you and me and I'm gonna laugh the whole time the Chinamen are taking it away from them.  Ha!  I'm gonna be just like HAL - scoffing at the lawyers.  I kinda like that thought.

I did what any guy with an IQ over 87 would do and found my handy magnifying glass.  Then I had to find the flashlight 'cause there wasn't enough light to see the instructions when I looked through it. 

I started to read the tiny letters, one at a time.  Finally a bunch of them would turn into a word and I'd write that word down on a piece of paper.  I wrote big enough that I could see what it said when it was all put together after I finished the one letter at a time thing.  Well, after about twenty words were on the paper I realized programing the thing was gonna be impossible.  I hadn't even gotten through all of the first step.  It looked like there were another three or four lines of secret codes still to be deciphered.  Enough of this.

Some folks doubt the existance of our Good Lord, but every now and again a miracle pops up in my life.  And it makes me believe.  Today's miracle happened;  I located just the part I needed to find.  A line that started with  "To use the Manual Override" feature, first  press the "Hold/Set" button until "Hold" appears on the display." 

I continued the writethewordbigger technique I had now perfected and soon knew just how to tame HAL.  I pressed this, held that, reset the temp. and leaned back.  It had taken a whole afternoon, if ya count looking for the flashlight and magnifying glass, but I finally outsmarted this monster someone had attached to the wall in my hallway.  And, you can bet the next time I go to the Lumberbox store I'm gonna pick up a cheapo NON programmable control so I can replace this one soon as HAL wakes up again. 

Just call me Dave Bowman.