Mike, the volunteer, came by this afternoon to stay with Carolyn so I could get some shopping done. One of the handy items on my list was "Razor, Disposable." Now all you non-government types would have written it the other way around and left out the comma, but I spent one heck of a lot of years collecting a paycheck from a government paymaster and have learned to use a lot of those little marks.
If I had gone to Costco, (comma) I would have had a much easier time buying those Razors, Disposable today because they probably have a much smaller assortment from which to choose. But Costco is 1.2 gallons of gas from me and 1.2 gallons back so I went to Wal*Mess instead. If I can catch the green light or blow through the yellow, it's only a 4/10th gallon round trip in the Guzzler, 9/20ths in the Guzzler Deluxe.
Don't know if you've shopped for razors at Wal*Mess lately, but take it from me, it's a dizzying experience. There is a four foot shelf with a bin full of them across the bottom of a four foot wide, five foot high piece of pegboard crammed with hook after hook of razors. Blue ones, yellow ones, some with handles shaped like Flash Gordon's rocket ship, others with pictures of NASCAR drivers on the package - in other words, more different types than the average guy could use in a year if he used a different one every day.
One blade, two blades, four blades and for the really discriminating guy, FIVE, count em, blades. Dang - What a waste. I think it's easier to pull a single blade razor through my stubble five times than to pull a five bladed one through it once. I probably get better results, but stand five times the chance of getting cut.
For one of you under or unemployed guys out there - here's a chance for some quick government money. Get one or another agency to fund a study. Is five really better than one? Just what are the odds of committing accidental suicide with each type? I'm sure there's a quick couple of million laying around just waiting for you to grab it - this is important stuff. Inquiring minds want to know.
Anyway, just trying to find the cheapest package of single blade throw aways took about fifteen minutes of my day. Take heart, dear readers, I managed it. I found a five pack for only 78 cents. Now these days ya can't beat that with a club. Even if ya have to pay to join. And, just so you won't think I'm a lazy guy, I was multitasking during those fifteen minutes. I was thinking about the art of shaving while I was busy scouting out the best deal.
I've come to the conclusion there are three types of guys. Or maybe there is one type of guy who goes through three stages of shaving - more study is needed, and we need further funding to determine this. Contact me by email for an address where you can send your money to assure the results you want from a study of this sort. With enough money you can buy any result you desire - I guarantee it.
Anyway, there are those who shave with an electric razor, and those who use a blade. I know, you're thinking one type and the other type makes only two. Most of the time that's true, but this is a special case. Ya see, blade guys are two types all by themselves - those who use lather or foam at the sink and those who use regular soap in the shower.
You're gonna have to believe me on this one, I've studied it for a while, fifteen minutes or so while I was also doing something else, and formed a high pothisis. My study was rather limited in scope, just one test dummy, me, so your results may differ.
When a guy is young and first starts to shave, he emulates his Dad. He lathers up at the sink, tries to find one or two whiskers to slice away from his freckled face, and rinses. He then towels off and splashes on some manly crap that smells like Old Splice and hitches a ride to school with his older and cooler buddy who already owns a car.
After a while, this child has grown a bit and now uses an electric razor. He does this because he can plug the thing into the cigarette lighter in his car and shave on the way to work because he is running late, or while on his way to that VERY important meeting so he can look his best while trying to part the client from his dough.
Later in life, it doesn't much matter if he's running late 'cause he's the client with the dough - but he still uses an electric razor 'cause he can plug it into the outlet in his office bathroom.
It doesn't take long before retirement rolls around and believe me, that happens much sooner than you think it will - get ready for it. That's when the electric razor goes into the drawer. It never worked very well anyway. A blade shaves much closer, and I don't really care how many good lookin' ladies on TV wrap their arms around some guy who uses the electric version. It really sucks.
That's when our hero starts to shave with a blade in the shower 'cause it's so much easier. It takes real effort to foam up, shave, rinse then do it again when ya discover the spot ya missed, and all the time precious energy is being wasted just holding the body upright this early in the morning. Besides, a bunch of foam always makes it into the coffee cup. It's Newton's little known 17th law of motion. "Any uncovered first mug of morning coffee will be rendered unpotable by shaving foam" He knew that back in the 16th century or whenever he discovered it. Do it yourself - I'm too lazy to look it up.
Shaving in the shower has many benefits, the most important of which is ya can shave while the hot water is easing tensions in the worn out back muscles while the blade is gently prodding the facial muscles into action for a new day. All the crap just goes down the drain - if it happens to plug up sometime during your lifetime the RotoRooters can handle it.
It's just easier to do it that way, and to toss the stinkin' razor when it starts to pull instead of cut. I just wish there weren't so dang many to choose from. It's a huge waste of precious time.
And every day I have one less day to waste.
Since you have launched a serious study into this mysterious art of shaving, I don't see how you can proceed without getting some input from the ladies. Shaving faces might be a "guy" thing, but we ladies are the ones who notice the results. I was surprised to read that during the bulk of your adulthood, you shaved with an electric razor. Oh yuck, Forrest. Maybe that was the the source of some bumps along the way. In those days, no woman wanted to siddle up to a guy who left her with whisker burn. Get my drift here? Of course I cannot account for this new "scuzzy/scruffy" look that seems to be so popular ... so there is another aspect of this whole area that needs some of that grant money. Also ... I just have to ask: if you shave in the shower, how do you not cobble up your moustache? Oh! I know where we can collect some more data on this fascinating issue.
ReplyDeleteThanks, B L. Your point is worth much more than just a quick mention and a footnote. The study will probably contain several paragraphs describing this effect.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it's good to know I can blame electric razors for my broken marriages. Lord knows they weren't my fault!
As to the 'stache - I trim it with scissors whenever I notice myself chewing on the dang thing. My barber screams at me for doing that, but fixes it anyway :-)
Forrest, you can use me in your study because I went through all the phases just about as you laid them out.
ReplyDeleteExcept that I didn't stay with the electric shaver but a few years because I had facial hair like hog bristles in those days; I always looked like I needed a shave, even if I just shaved.
I moved on to razors when I lived in San Francisco. I used to have a place with one of the old cast-iron bathtubs, the ones with the slanting rear that you could lie back against comfortably. I'd run a bath every morning, sit in it, and shave. Complete luxury.
I used disposables for a long time after, then switched to cartridge razors; but when the only part of the razor you keep is the stick, how much difference does it make?
I do have a disposable story. Back about almost 25 years now I was leaving on a trip and I needed some disposables. I bought anything that was on sale. So I bought a different brand than usual, Wilkinson. The blades were made in Germany, and the handles were heavy and sculpted and fit well in the hand.
I used that pack of six for over a year. They were great blades and they just didn't want to wear out. When I went to find more, there weren't any. Wilkinson was making cheap disposables just like everyone else. The old ones were TOO GOOD. They didn't wear out fast enough. Wilkinson couldn't sell enough of them.
If I'd have known, I'd have bought 20 packs and probably still be using them today!
I think I remember that brand. Wilkinson "Swords," if my memory serves, they were called.
ReplyDeleteDrawing a bath in the morning sounds great. Unfortunately I was, and still am, a sleepy head. I rise with just enough time to barely make it on schedule. What ever "it" is.
I'm hoping to publish the study in "The Journal For Very Important Research." It could lead to an honorary degree of some sort if all goes well. Thanks for the data.