No matter how long death announces his presence in a life and no matter how long he sits patiently on the living room couch waiting for a loved one's soul, the death comes unexpectedly and too quickly. No amount of reasoning or rationalizing will prepare you for that last breath.
The chest just stops rising and the world changes.
It's been a year since I told Carolyn it was time for me to dress her so we could go to the hospital. A week later she was gone.
I've done well this last year, better than one would have thought. I thank Carolyn for this; she told me all was well when I scattered her ashes in the same place her mothers had been strewn several months before.
You see, Carolyn loved dogs. She chose to show me all was well and that she and her mom had been reunited not more than two minutes after her ashes had been spread on the waters of the Canadian Atlantic coast where she and her mother had spent many summer vacations while her father worked in the city of Montreal. He joined them on weekends, but the shoreline belonged to them for most of the time.
Only the people in our very small party were in view for as far as we could see during the ceremony celebrating her life and there were no animals at all. Yet, within minutes of that celebration, before we could regain the grasses beyond the sand, two dogs appeared. They were jumping on each others back as they ran, seemingly happy to be with each other as only young dogs can show that feeling. You've seen it - playfully caressing each other while flying low to the ground.
The two dogs ran straight to me and one, the younger white one, tried to climb my body to be nearer my face. I lowered to a knee and the younger put her head on my thigh for several seconds. The older of the two then circled while the younger and I exchanged caresses. After a short while, they left and disappeared just as they had arrived, dancing and playing as they departed.
I'm sure it was what a minister I later consulted called a "God moment" and that Carolyn and her mom had greeted me and told me they were together again and all was well.
I've waited awhile to post this and during that time I've learned to dance with new partners. I've learned to dine and travel in the company of other souls. I have not yet learned to share my life. But I will.
If ever there were a person who could talk God into letting her tell her mate she was alright, Carolyn would be the person to do so. She could charm God himself and would risk damnation to ease my suffering. I thank her so much for letting me know, and I thank God for letting her show me.
Tuesday next will have been 52 weeks, and the 4th of Sept will be a year since her passing. I'm going to move on. But, Carolyn, when it comes time for me to rest, be sure my ashes will join yours. I'll keep that promise as I kept all the others.
